dawning

There has been a monumental shift in me
And, unlike I was told how it would be,
The thing was sudden.
I trained in advance:
I felt that it was coming.
But all those words unraveled as the first breath made it's exit.
The reality in time unveiled a far more worthy truth,
and as I stand straight in the new light of it
I understand that I never even missed you.

hand first

Why this name?
Such a thing can be anything
and is nothing
So why is it this?
Why is it such a thing to muster,
when looking a this cluster of objects
an objective point of view.
These selfish desires demand entanglement
and give birth to tortured continuance.
The thing of me will live on and it never has
and always will it be empty of a word called "Meaning"

clean your palette

my cup runs over
but is lacking for fulfillment
entertainment is dry
like my humor
and my lips
for want of a pen
this parchment is weeping
words are clunky
hard to discern
ideas, being pure
are the hardest brought to bear
would I could force an understanding to the whole of you
but, alas, you are contented in this
the force-fed state of learning
you know no different and, therefor
can I blame you for what you do not understand?

Interpreting Dreams

Not until that dream came true

did I understand the sway of you.

I now see how my path will lead the way from out your golden gates.

When nameless fears take up legs and walk this house,

I know I've lost my way.

But sorrow gives it's way to thoughts of destine paths through tribulation.

Or, that which comes to me may not be what is meant.

That which comes without the struggle, 

is that which earns no worth.

Gotta get free

when I am on the cusp of comprehension
a new distraction makes the scene
or so it seems
to me
as if to distract the apprehension
of a true reality
is it just me
or do the true things
that we nearly learn to grasp
fall from our reach
due to our yearning
for a new thing yet to teach

Life is conflict

I am living in the trap of winter.
I feel the slightest misstep,
However genuine
or true
whether caused by external force
A need to fulfill what is expected of who I am perceived to be
or the drive that grinds at the heart of who I truly am
being misunderstood by our modern social graces
will draw the grasp of watching eyes
and cause the spring.

balloons of old helium

if you want to leave this table
you had better clean your plate
it does not matter what, in the past,
you claim to have ate

the melting one does not claim to relate
but here we are
without a meaning at a quarter to eight
with nothing but idea and hope for health can I sate
there is an solid disposition that I plan to debate
no other person can before me ever openly hate
and with a system like to barter can I planning to slate
within the cavern of your heart is the the meaning of 'great'
and like so many blocks of holiness will happiness rate
when you see me next I hope you will not try to berate
my choice to find the minds who swell themselves
and with logic deflate

what do you want from me?

I operate far off the reservation
of self preservation
wallowing in self pity
and in a display of
wanton disregard of finality
pettiness is pretty
but my time is spent better than this:
witty regurgitation of lines
Mentality disregards the mind's eye
selling out the market to avoid land mines
in an opulent display of what the headlines say
spare me some loose change to change my course for the night?

weakness

I lack the care
when you stare at me
charismatically
operating automatically
backtrack and react systematically
protect something unmatched actually
articulated  formalities form
formalities
from uneducated people
tomorrow is preened
we breed the open source more easily
than we open junk mail while struggling to breath
what is it that beats
breath the skin of "me"
am I the embodiment of strength
or am "I" just
WEAK

The Truth

Is it really inaction
that keeps me here with you
with this nausea in my brain
Is it the choice to not choose
That has led to this baseline

I am in a prison of my own construction
It has no walls
It has no bars
It is the restriction of self editing
The fear of success
no
It is change that holds me down
The action, of which I am most afraid

But there are many things externally to blame.

The crowd

I know just what it takes
I will continue to stand in my own way
These eyes will continue to stare at me
but through me as well
I can oscillate between worlds
I will never start to be in any one place
with this tactic i can exist while not existing
I can hope to be ignored
I can hope too be over looked once more
But I think we all know the chance that you will ever turn away your glance from me

Self

All of this
All I see
Is synthesized for me
In real time
What holds back this creation
How can I cease to be
When all of this only exists in me

to strong

By self doubt I am crippled
I am slow to speak
Linguistic paralysis  brings conversation to it's knees
nothing in these tempered bones can be described honestly
as other than weak

will

These tasks seem so daunting
No matter how small
these mountains seem like
such a great expanse
and my will to traverse is a mole hill

Forced Carnal Rampage

I woke willingly to the walking wonderment
walloped by the word worshipping
it quickly gave way to wanderlust
this wound tastes wonderful
and walls were meant to be broken
the wind won't withstand
and women wither before the bedroom
wailing silent woes in keys yet unsupposed
My toes can curl.
My hair can curl.
But my will won't bend for wicked things like you again.

friends

From bad
To worse
To the best it could have been
I took fate's hand and allowed it to sweep me up
So far under the carpet that even the mites would not find me
Or so I hoped
My company has been lacking of late
In quality if not quantity at least

in the post

It is getting more and more difficult to breathe.
As if the air it self is fighting to escape my grasp.
As if the rebellion has begun below me.
No longer waiting to roil up to the surface of me.

My shakiness is self inflicted.

My shallowness is externally instinctive.

2014

Broken wheels.
Broken bones.
Feels before reals.
I stumbled upon this cistern
and stole my sisters oysters.
Weather withstands the hatred.
Words are no match for my bones,
but in the end I will have you later.
If I can't get you to willingly enter my home.
From first words to frost bite
in under ten seconds.
Extra innings could never provide the sanctuary you seek
and the meek shall inherit early graves.

anger

These ruffled seams are never what they seem to be
and the sting left makes on me
Kinder things I have heard in the past
and far truer things to be certain
but you can no longer stir my anger
you can no longer touch my emotions
You have no power over me.

In time

I will get outside more
I will start that engine
I will build that house for us
I will stop being absent
I will read that library out of books
I will finish all of these projects
I will do what I say
I will be a better person
I will clean up that mess
I will paint all my dreams into reality
eventually
in time

lone

This shadow was cast.
Long before the sun had rose
leaving trails,
tracers.
memories of since past loves.

Self Respect

There was a time when I respected myself.
Even then,
I always knew I was a liar and a cheat.

But I keep trying