Love of the Poisonous Mermaid.

I, like all those that came before me, was born into the ocean
unwilling, unprepared, unguided
and seeing this I straight way began to learn all I could so as to climb out of the weighty water and propel myself in directions not always set by the currents

For the formative years of my life I studied hard.
Not the subjects necessarily required of me,
but the things that pertain to survival in this society.
How to steel my mind.
How to see my emotions as the rose from the primal depths at the slightest coaxing.
How to cull and control my base concerns.
I learned the way to keep the animal at bay.
With every thought and deed I built the boat
that I could steer through my life comfortably.
I set my sail to propel me into the world toward the horizons of my choosing.

It was not long into my voyage,
feeling confidant that I knew what I needed,
that, with the suddenness of dawn,
I see you struggling,
naked,
thrashing on the rocks.
A mockery of anguished beauty.
My vessel, as if on it's own, begins to circle.
Your eyes lock like they would on prey.
This course, once set, could never hope to stray.

Before the better thought had crossed me the offer to climb aboard is made
and, as no deviation could be paid by you I meet rejection.
You continue to thrash upon these rocks and sink below the depths.

It falls on me that in the moment I missed an important detail.
Under witnessed in all my pondering.
I was taken in,
encapsulated,
and beyond that it was painfully clear that you were never taught to swim.
Perhaps the ocean was something that you were not even aware of,
despite the fact that you were positively drowning in it every waking second of your life.
I looked out across the waters and I broke my better judgment.
The agreement we struck rang so pure in all of its ritualistic sacrificing.
I placed you in this vessel, and you reigned upon the tower I built for you.

Unfamiliar with the dryness of the open air.
You grew up drowning and despite it's being worse for you,
could not accept a world were you would stay afloat.
So, in attempts to make my domain more like your home
you almost immediately set to poking holes.

As the water poured in
and the panic washed over me
you looked upon my respons with anger and distrust.
"How dare you" you would shout.
"Why must you treat me like a child?"
and so, to quell the beast I thought it best to go along.
For, perhapse it was I who had been wrong
and, as if it had been the way I had always been I too began to drill the holes in my boat.
I see that because of the affliction I have put upon myself I now would rather drown in any misery,
experiencing your nearness,
than to survive happily alone.
What is that part of me?
I long to be happy, and for you to be happy
but yours is the wall.
Set in it's location so that time itself will not wither you from your course.
As I stare into the horizon,
knowing that this sinking vessel will never make it there,
I look upon your smiling face.
You seem so content,
so unaware,
as a caged, abused, pet
who, when given the clear chance to flee to better things would rather keep the home as hell so dear.
I know it will never be made clear to you,
so I embrace that.

As we sink to death I know that I have brought myself here willingly.
Even though I faced the choice to find the better,
still I chose to drown.
I know that I did.
I know that I didn't have to.
I don't quite know why,
and you
sweet,
oblivious.
Even though you are miserable you can't believe that it will ever be different.
So complacent in your complicated sadness,
a million hands could reach to pull you out and every one,
as it is a stranger,
you would only slap away in hurried anger.
the chance for good if through the unknown is not a risk worth taking
no matter how terrible life is.
The most terrible life is better than the unknown path to good.